


Love Me Wrong, If You Can't Love Me Right

by vampyrolover



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:34:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,078
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24135166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vampyrolover/pseuds/vampyrolover
Summary: Look at all this heartache, what is left? Forgetting how it started, this is how it ends. Say that you don't want me, say that you don't need me, tell me I'm the fool. Tell me you've been tortured, tell me you've been beaten; even if it doesn't matter, matter what's true.
Relationships: Alex Danvers & Lena Luthor, Alex Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 3
Kudos: 43





	Love Me Wrong, If You Can't Love Me Right

A shudder of a breath left her lips, one that seemed to shake her entire body with an overwhelming shiver, the insistent freezing sensation of a sea breeze enveloping her tender frame with each step she took along the sand, stubbornly attempting to find a faint image of Alexandra Danvers through the pouring rain.

She’d lost track of how long had passed since her arrival in Midvale, distracted by every direction she had found herself taking across the shore, wishing to find the woman no one had been able to locate in their grief, and regardless of Kara’s clear desire to find her sister, Lena had made the instant, personal decision to be the one tracking her down, all too self—aware that she might just be one of the few people that could understand exactly what was going through the redhead’s mind. However, the rain had taken on a cruel pace around the time she began getting desperate, blurring her vision whilst worriedly trying to keep herself at a safe distance from dangerously growing wind waves.

The news had arrived abruptly, and it only seemed to heighten the tragedy of it all, causing her heart to constrict in pain at the mere thought of what Alex was feeling, then, upon learning the details about her father’s passing. Surprisingly, she seemed to be the only courageous one in coming forward, noticing how everyone had been on the receiving end of the woman’s rage, thus leading them to shrink in on their grief, focusing on every reason she’d rather forget.

And she needed to find her.

She needed to focus on her.

But the weather hadn’t eased the process, worsening with each futile attempt of hers to travel through a deserted beach, hoping to find a familiar face; one that popped out of nowhere, so suddenly that she nearly collapsed to her knees, the relief of catching sight of her sending her heart into a speed she urged to control, but barely managed to. Her steps were quicker, then, wanting to cut the remaining, large distance between the two as fast as possible, before she took actual notice of what she was doing.

Of what had robbed Alexandra Danvers’ attention, grief and care, when she was normally the one to promptly come forward with comfort and patience.

Coppery strands of hair fluttered along with the wind, whilst hazel optics seemed to be lost to the world. Lightening rods were visibly tucked under one of her arms, as her unoccupied one planted them in the sand, one at a time, even as the rainstorm roared and showed no signs of slowing to a stop. And although, she was full—aware of what the woman was doing, she couldn’t help herself,

“What on Earth are you doing?”

“Wow, they sent **_you_**?”

“No one sent me! And for someone who’s utterly alone, you have quite the nerve to act judgmental.” Regardless of the immediate regret that washed over her, it also seemed to be the only thing that made Alex stop, before her gaze gingerly met hers. A huff escaped, then, and it became apparent to the Luthor that she couldn’t control her reactions anymore, not after she’d spent a tortuous amount of time attempting to find the woman, and thinking of the worst it could have happened after not finding her home.

“At least you fight back.”

“Alex—” The first lightning struck, startling the CEO to their current conditions, which caused her to rapidly rid her of those rods, planting them randomly across the sand before she was pulling her away, despite the constant grumbling and protesting.

“What are you doing—?”

“The storm’s getting worse, and you and I both know what those work for. So, get moving, Alex. We should be inside, not in this weather.”

“I was handling it!”

“Oh, really? You’re dripping so hard, it’s hard to tell where you begin, and where the rain ends, Agent.”

Surprised at the snort that escaped Alex’s mouth, she was somewhat relieved by the fact she could amuse her, even under such circumstances, and that she stopped being stubborn, leading the way home until they were sheltered from the rain, morphing it into a loud patter, but soothing nonetheless.

“You’re soaking wet.”

“Really? I had no idea.”

“Damn it, Lena!”

So much for amusement, she thought, as Alex’s cursing became clear, her attempts to find her something that she could use to dry herself switching into fidgeting as she halted to a stop, clearly trying to work through her breathing.

“What were you thinking? You disappear out of nowhere, don’t even bother to let people know where you are.”

“Yeah, that’s the whole point of disappearing.”

“ _Clever_. You just left, Alex. Everyone’s worried, Kara wants to stay mad but, let’s face it, that is not working out for her. Your mother is going crazy, you just— What were you thinking?”

“I wasn’t!”

Her voice roared, never startling the dark—haired female, but getting her to stop. To stop chasing after her, to stop talking, to even stop breathing, if only momentarily.

“That’s the whole point, Lena. I wasn’t. This entire time, I didn’t think about him. Not once, I—. I mourned him so many times, I nearly forgot he was alive. And I——God, this is ridiculous. You need a shower.”

“Alex—!”

“Upstairs. I will find you some clothes. Don’t… Don’t fight me on this, please. For once, just— don’t struggle, Lee. Just for once. Please.”

She offered a quick nod, deciding an argument would only heighten the distance already formed between the two, and though she’d much rather tug the woman into a warm embrace, she followed her upstairs, catching sight of the bathroom immediately, and standing by it until dry, fresh clothes were given to her, along with a towel. Arguing had been instinctive, that much was true, but as she stepped under heated water, there was no denying that was exactly what she’d been needing, and what was certain to prevent her from catching a cold eventually.

She didn’t revel in the sensation for long, however, getting through the task quickly so she could return to the woman, only to find her dried–up, and cradled in warm clothes already, as well. Two mugs of tea were settled onto the coffee–table, growing flames sending a glow across the living room area as the fire only added to that sensation of comfort, and warmth. Her presence was announced the second she reached the last step, but she figured Alex had already noticed it, if her sorrowful gaze was any indication.

“I’m sorry you had to come all this way for nothing.”

“Not for nothing, **_for you_**.”

“Still…”

“You should be there.” She interrupted, watching as the agent grimaced softly, clearly unwilling to speak of the matter. Still, she interrupted, taking a seat next to her slowly, close enough that she was within her reach, but leaving space in case she wished to escape. “Not for him, but for you.”

“That doesn’t make much sense.”

“It makes perfect sense, and we both know it.”

Silence enveloped them for a second, and that was all she needed to continue.

“You’re right, Alex. You have mourned him so many times, you’ve been forced to believe him to be gone **_so many times_** , but did you ever get to say goodbye?”

“It’s irrelevant.”

“Love—”

“It’s irrelevant, Lena. I will always be filled with this sensation that, no matter what happens, I will be left with this overwhelming, suffocating weight on my chest. For most of my life, he always had the last word, so… Maybe he should get to have it this once, too.”

Mouth parting to protest, traces of anger were evident across the oldest Danvers’ face, thus preventing her from saying anything else. For the moment.

“Guilt has consumed me in ways I can’t even bring myself to express, and I know, I just know that it’ll linger. Even after this, it’ll remain present. And I have openly, most clearly blamed Kara on more than one occasion, yet the truth is that… The truth is that, I blamed myself. For never succeeding. For never… mattering. Each, ——none of my attempts were enough to catch his attention, to get him to reconsider, to make him **_stay_** , and so I resorted to blame. I blamed myself. Because he never stayed. And as years passed by, I saw it, felt it; each time he made the entire world crumble around me, simply because I wasn’t strong enough to hold it together. And every time I lost him, I cried. Until the crying ceased, and I was convinced that was it. It couldn’t hurt me anymore. There was **_no way_** it could hurt me again. I made sure everyone knew that, too.”

“Alex—”

“But it hurts **_so fucking much_** , I can’t breathe. Nothing’s changed, Lee. Nothing. Years passed by, and I found myself counting each time he could’ve reached out, until I stopped paying attention to it. Or rather, pretending not to notice, not to care. Still, opportunities would arise for him to do something, anything at all, and **_nothing_** came. And there he goes, owning the last word, possessing the last goodbye, whilst the rest of us are left suffocated by the words we will never get to say. And I tried, god, ——did I **_ever_** try… But at the end of the day, it was meaningless. Cleaning after his mess, ensuring everyone’s safety just to appease his troubled soul, following after his footsteps just to _make sure_ he’d be relieved, not proud, because I knew that was impossible, but relieved; I did it all. At the cost of what? Myself.”

Her fingers stroked through messy strands of red hair, shakily pushing them off her eyes in an attempt to catch her watery gaze, only for her own eyes to well up.

“And it hurts so much, but all I can feel is anger. I find that sorrow has slipped through my fingers, fading into rage long before this happened, and even as my heart breaks, it breaks in anger. So, I——I purchased those lightning rods, and planted them on every single spot I have a memory with him, hoping, urging for those sand–glass sculptures to fill the emptiness I was confronted with, that just **_won’t_** break. Because he could’ve done it all, but he chose to neglect me every single time. And it hurts, it hurts being as fragile as those.”

Catching the trembling forefinger that pointed towards the large window that provided them with a view to the ocean, Lena’s digits wrapped around her knuckles, caressing a thumb across her palm tenderly.

“And yet, made so beautifully as well.” Offering a reassuring squeeze, she continued, “You’re made out of love. Regardless of the heartache, the disappointment, the absence, you’re made out of love, and beautifully so. Fragile as you think you may be, you never shatter. Unlike those sculptures, you never, ever break. You may collapse on your knees, out of breath, and strengthless, but you always find your way back up, lifting everyone else along with you. And you are so, undeniably remarkable. I highly doubt he never acknowledged it. And even if he didn’t, it’s his own loss. How can one part with the last word, if they fade into ignorance?”

“It still hurts.”

“Because you’re nothing like him.”

Crystalline eyes drowned in tears, though, tiny, overwhelming drops of sorrow only spilled at the feeling of Alexandra Danvers clinging onto her, tugging her closer by the warm sweater, and as she willingly tumbled forward, both of her hands lifted to cup her cheeks, wiping her own tears away with delicate touches.

“I’m still not going.”

“If that is your wish, I won’t push it. But if you’re doing this just to get your point across, don’t do it, don’t ——, don’t add up to that weight on your chest. Don’t find another reason to blame yourself.”

Finding an affirmative answer through her silence, Lena’s thumbs glided across the smooth skin under her eyes, watching as her eyelids fluttered closed before she was stealing a kiss, one that was returned surprisingly eagerly, only leading her to choke out,

“Don’t do that to me again. No matter how bad it gets, don’t, ——don’t vanish, Alex. Let me catch you.”

“I wasn’t ready to be caught, yet.”

“But don’t fade away, don’t slip through my fingers. You are not alone anymore.”

**Author's Note:**

> I understand sand–glass sculptures take a bit more to be created, and those that I mentioned are often referred to as fulgurite. But I’m a sucker for a particular movie scene regarding this subject, and I couldn’t help but picture it as something Alex would do.
> 
> On another note, this is something I’ve been meaning to write for a very long time. In no way, do I wish to diminish Alex’s process, and the way she recovered through it with Kelly’s exceptional help, but this is somewhat the way I have always pictured it going, and it ends up being a bit personal to me, seeing as I relate so deeply to her when it comes to this particular aspect. I could write on this forever, but I figured it was best to give you something short. I’m also rather aware I owe you some chapters in another fanfiction, and I plan on getting to it, soon! I hope you’ve been keeping safe.


End file.
